(I have written, erased, and re-written this post. It's a hard one for me. I definitely do NOT want to be preachy or descending because I have a hard time with forgiveness. It doesn't come easily for some people, especially those that have lived through abuse, rape, or any similar things. This is somewhat of a cathartic post for me. It has helped me process the forgiveness issue. Maybe opening up about my own heart might help someone else in the process. If not, it can just let you know that I am human like everyone else. I am no super mom with everything figured out. I am not always on top of everything with my own life, my blog, and my family.)
I try to live completely free from my resentments and anger. It is something I struggle with and have especially struggled with it the past few months. I know I must let go of the pain people have cause me; unless I let it go and forgive the people, the pain will continue to hold me prisoner. I am not hurting the people I am mad at by being bitter, I am only hurting myself. Bitterness is like a virus; If I let it fester and take hold, I lose my patience and get angry at things easier.
One thing I have had to learn in my life is that forgiving is NOT forgetting. I have always heard the phrase forgive and forget but it is not accurate. I can forgive and forget a small argument I might have had with a friend or family member but I do not forget the bigger issues. You do not forget major neglect, any abuse, or deep hurt or regret. If you still remember those things, it doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven. It's something you can only decide in your heart, whether you have truly forgiven a person of a wrong doing. Also, I have learned that you can forgive but not let a person back into your life. You can forgive a person of a wrong doing but if they haven't changed then there is nothing wrong with keeping up boundaries. You need to keep yourself and those you love safe. Having kids has made me slightly more aware about keeping up boundaries with people. I have to be careful who my husband and I have in our lives. I learn who is trustworthy and who is not.
I started a recovery program once at my old church but I never stayed to finish it. The major thing I got out of it and have carried with me is that forgiveness is a me issue. Unless I forgive those who have hurt me, whether to their faces or just in my heart, I can't move on or truly reach joy. For me that is an ouch! Not easy to hear but I feel like it is true.
Some verses that speak to me on this issue:
"Do not judge others, and God will not judge you; do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you; forgive others, and God will forgive you." (Luke 6:37, GNB)
"Happy are the merciful." (Matthew 5:7)
"Happy are the peacemakers." (Matthew 5:9)
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4 comments:
I am a rape survivor. As well as an abuse survivor. Mental. Verbal. Physical. Sexual. All at the hands of the man that was supposed to love, honor and cherish me. We are divorced now and i am one of the lucky few, who escaped with my life intact. Honestly, I couldn't have put my feelings into words as eloquently as you did with this post. Very well written and well put.
Desareì
Heather, thanks for being so honest. I think you are right - forgiveness is more difficult for some.
As parents, we must be careful who we allow into our home and close to our children. We must also take care to teach them to forgive. A good reminder for me b/c they are forming habits now that they will carry with them throughout life.
Thanks!
This is some tough stuff! Forgiveness is a hard thing to learn! You are so right...Bitterness is like a virus! Great analogy!
I struggle with forgiveness also. I've learned that it's a control issue for me, and I have to learn to trust God and let go. Thank you for such an honest poswt.
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