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It has been months since my father-in-law has passed away but we are still trying to deal with it in our own ways. Our garage is still filled with his things, his car is still in our driveway, we own his cat, and the kids continue to talk about him as if he is still here. We are asked questions such as "what is Grandpa driving if his car is here?" and my oldest always tells everyone "Grandpa lost his cat, so we are going to keep him here a while." It's hard for us to answer and respond to the things our kids say. They are only 4, 3, and 1 so their understanding of things is not like how we understand death.
We sat down the kids and told them about their Grandpa dying the morning of the funeral. We thought long and hard about what we wanted to tell them and how we wanted them to understand death. Our 4 year old had already understood that Grandpa had been sick and weak for awhile. (He had stage 4 esophageal cancer). We told the kids that Grandpa had been tired and his body stopped working, so Grandpa went to be with the Lord in Heaven. We got the questions like "Where is Heaven?" and "Can Grandpa be fixed?". The children were told all about Heaven- that it is a beautiful, happy place in the sky above. We can't visit there, and Grandpa won't be able to visit us again, but that Grandpa was watching us from above. Grandpa will always be alive in our hearts when we think of him. My oldest said to us, "I will leave my stars (Twilight Turtle) on at night for Grandpa since he is tired. I don't want him to be afraid." That made us all cry. The sweetness and caring of the young.
The younger two children weren't affected by the funeral. They ran around and played quietly at the funeral. My oldest started crying and became afraid at the funeral. He told me that wanted to go home and didn't want to hear it (stories about his Grandpa and how everyone missed him). It was hard knowing he was so affected by the funeral and had more of an understanding of what was going on than I thought he would. I did all I could do for him, which was standing away from the funeral and holding him while singing in his ear. Eventually, he relaxed and played with his brother, sister, and cousin.
We still have to explain from time to time that Grandpa is still in Heaven, and he still won't be able to come visit us. Small children do not understand the finality of it all. We, also, tell them that Grandpa wants us to be happy and laugh and have a good time. He doesn't want us to be sad and not go on.
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8 comments:
It really is tough... and each child react so differently... My daughter was only 2 and a half when her mom passed away and she went through a similar experience to your oldest, then became very matter of fact about it...
It is tough but such a big part of life. Sounds like you all handled it very well!
This is such a hard topic with little kids. The last 2 years have been really hard on my family. We lost my 7 year old niece, my oldest sister, my 20 year old nephew, a cousin, and an uncle. All at different times. After my sister's funeral, I stopped taking my kids. It was too hard on them. I went to all the other funerals on my own. The hardest for them was my 7 year old niece. She was close to my kids. Even two years later we get questions about it. The questions don't go away, but they start to understand eventually. They still talk about it. My sister, (who is the mother to my niece) takes her other children to a therapist to manage their grief. The therapist says to let the kids talk about it. It is their way to process, and they need to be able to feel that they can talk about it. With you and with each other. Offer the best answers you can, but let them express their questions, grief and concerns. It's part of the healing.
It's hard when you don't want to talk about it any longer. But we have to let the kids go through it in their own way.
You are doing a great job answering their questions and letting them vocalize them. It will just take time.
This is actually one of my biggest worries right now. My grandparents are all gone, but my husband has both sets. I know it will happen and I am not ready to talk to my little ones. I know it will be hard on my husband, and so will the constant questions from a 3 & 5 year old. :(
Great job explaining death to the kids. Although it's hard, it is a part of life they will have to endure. May he rest in peace.
My father recently passed. My niece is too young to have even known him(she was only 4 months old) and I do not have any children yet, so thankfully I didn't have to deal with that too. Sounds like you did a great job though!
I am so sorry hun! You did a great job explaining it to the kids! It is such a hard subject to broach!
My youngest just didn't want to listen. I ended up taking him to see him in the open casket. Then he understood, and finally understood the meaning of death. But it was OK for him knowing that Grandpa was in Heaven now, and will be waiting for him there.
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